Aliens in the Attic/Transcript
lines, then typing on the computer, then looking at the window *'Bethany': Oh, my God. Stuart. *'Stuart': What is it? *'Bethany': Tom's grades finally posted. *''continues typing the computer *'Bethany': Look. *'Stuart': Wonderful. Not one "A." *'Bethany': No. *'Stuart': Or a "B." *'Bethany': Mm-mmm. *'Stuart': Not even in Health. *'Tom': typing on the computer What the... *'Stuart': That was just a "D." *'Bethany': How are these changing? *''continues typing on the computer *'Bethany': a window One word, and you're dead. inside *'Tom': Are you crazy? If Dad catches you, he's gonna kill you. *'Bethany': Dad's not gonna catch me. curtain, looking at Stuart *'Tom': I don't get it. What do you see in that guy? *'Stuart': Bye, babe! *'Bethany': You mean, other than the fact that he's good-looking, sweet, sensitive, romantic, funny Bd ridiculously athletic? *'Hannah': the door Dad's coming, and he's mad. *'Tom': At who? *'Hannah': Tom. *'Stuart': Tom! *''grabs Hannah, then walking inside *'Tom': What? *'Stuart': If you're smart enough to hack into the school Web site, then you are smart enough to pass math. Do you think Bethany got accepted to Michigan by screwing around all the time? *'Tom': Of course not. She got in 'cause she's perfect. *'Stuart': No. Your sister worked her tail off, and that's exactly what I except from you. *'Tom': Yeah. You're right, Dad. I-I-I don't deserve a family vacation. I should stay home tomorrow, learn my lesson. *'Stuart': Oh, no, no. I am not talking tyat bait, kiddo. This isn't you. The bad attitude, the grades. What is going on? *'Tom': Nothing. *'Stuart': I blame all this for coming between this right here. Some good old-fashioned no-tech... out, powering down *'Tom': Uh... *'Stuart': ...family togetherness is exactly what we need. So get some sleep. We're hitting the road at sunup. Oh, and you guys too. away *''all drive down, in a van with Hannah, Tom, and Bethany, playing on the phone *'Tom': Hannah. Please, next time, you ride the hump, okay? *'Hannah': I barf in the middle. Remember? headphones back on *''continue driving down, by fields, barn *'Man': radio And that's the farm report. In other news, it looks like, there will be more than just fireworks in the sky tonight, as an unexpected meteor shower adds a little excitement to our area this holiday weekend. *'Stuart': Very exciting. We're in a little bit of a show. *'Bethany': That'll be beautiful, guys. *'Stuart': Better wear hats tonight. We don't want our heads catching on fire. *''continue driving to the house *'Tom': a phone Wow. *'Bethany': Hey. *'Tom': at Ricky, holding flowers Your boy toy is a complete idiot. *'Bethany': the phone back Ricky is not a boy toy. We're in a mature, loving relationship. *''groans *'Bethany': Okay. Why don't we talk in a few years when you have a clue what dating's all about? *'Tom': Like Ricky has a clue? *'Bethany': One more word about Ricky, and I swear to God I'll kill you. *'Annie': Okay. That is enough. Knock it off, you guys. We're almost there. *''by a sign, saying, "Welcome To Creek Landing Est. 1840 Michigan", then they drive by a house, then they get out of the van *'Bethany': And there's the pool. See ya! *'Hannah': We beat Uncle Nate! Oh, yeah! Ha-ha! *'Tom': Ah. *'Bethany': I got it, Tom. Don't worry. *'Stuart': Nice, huh? *'Bethany': Great, yes. I'll grab that. *'Tom': I hope there was a discount for booking us into the most boring spot in the whole country. *'Stuart': Come on. We're only a stone's throw away from at least a half dozen top-notch fishing lakes. *'Tom': Are we near a time machine so we can go back five years to when I thought fishing was cool? *'Stuart': Hey, I bought us all new Sidestab reels. Anti-Reverse technology. *'Tom': Lame. inside the house, looking around, then looking at the fish So lame. up the stairs, then walking in the bedroom, putting the bags down, then hearing the rock music from the radio, driving by Stuart, Hannah, and Bethany *'Jake': out of a car Nice landing, Nate. *'Nate': Told you I could fishtail this thing. *'Stuart': Nice try, Nate, but you just missed by kids. *'Nana': But he did almost give your mother a heart attack. Again. *'Hannah': Nana! *'Stuart': Hi, Mom. *'Nana': Stuart Oh, hi, darling. *'Hannah': Nana! *'Nana': Yes, sweetheart! Hannah I got you a little treat. *'Hannah': You did. *'Nana': a treat Yes, I did. Here we go. *'Hannah': Thank you. *'Nana': Oh, it's so good to see you. I missed you. *'Lee': Hey. We're here. *'Nate': a box Well, one of the Pearson's brothers came to party. *'Stuart': Stuart, holding a box Are those even legal here? *'Jake': No. then they give a high five, then taking a box *'Nate': Stuart Here! Come on, Stu! Let's get him! *'Stuart': Nate, stop it! I'll tell Mom. *'Nate': Tickle him! Tickle your uncle! *'Stuart': Spin him faster, Nate! *'Nate': laughing Get his shirt off! *'Stuart': Mom! *''grabs a phone *'Nate': Aw, Stuey's crying for Mommy! *''opens a magazine, then Tom opens a bag *'Jake': Twins, in here. *'Tom': Hey, guys. *'Jake': Put my bags on the bed. *'Lee': Sir, yes, sir. *'Jake': Lee Trying to be a wise guy? *'Lee': No. No. Definitely not. Don't provoke them. *'Jake': Good. Now, get these out of here. *'Tom': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Why do you get the best room? I was here first. *'Jake': I'm here now. *'Tom': I'm older. *'Jake': And I'm bigger. *'Tom': Did you grow since Christmas? *'Jake': Two inches, cuz. I can tag a stop sign without even having to jump. walking away How's Mathletes? *'Tom': I don't do Mathletes anymore. *'Jake': You tired if getting beat up? *'Stuart': Tom! Get down here and help us unload! Now! *'Jake': Close my door on the way out. *''out of the door, then hearing a dance music on the radio, then Ricky drives in a car *'Ricky': Surprise, surprise, princess. *'Tom': Ricky, what are you doing here? *'Ricky': Oh, I'm just stopping by for the afternoon, or maybe the night. *''back, then zoom in the license plate, saying, "Illinois: Land of Lincoln C-Mar01", then the radio stops, then opening the trunk, then taking a block *'Tom': What's that? *'Ricky': What's what? the trunk *'Bethany': Ricky! *'Ricky': Hey! Mmm! Bethany *'Tom': Whoa. Watch out for the car. *'Bethany': I can't believe you're here. *'Ricky': Well, you're my girlfriend now, so there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. *''laughs *'Ricky': Now, give papa some sugar. *'Tom': Bethany. Please don't give papa sugar. *'Ricky': Mr. and Mrs. P! *'Bethany': Ricky, wow! *'Stuart': Hey, Ricky! What a surprise. *'Ricky': I got you a little housewarming gift. *'Bethany': Oh, that is so sweet. Isn't he sweet? *'Annie': Yes. They're beautiful. *'Stuart': Those are gorgeous. Yeah. Very patriotic too, huh? Let's stick the flags in some water, see if they grow. *'Annie': We can do that. Do you want anything to eat or drink? *'Ricky': Oh, that is so sweet of you. I really wish I could. But my parents have a lKe house in Oakstown, and I gotta get back before dark in case my car breaks down again. *'Stuart': Uh-oh. Car trouble. Hmm. *'Tom': Dad, why don't you take a look at it for Ricky? *'Stuart': Yeah, I don't mind getting my hands dirty. *'Jake': Try it again, Ricky. *''tries to start the car *'Tom': It's gotta be something obvious, Dad. *'Stuart': I got to be honest with you. Auto mechanics isn't really my thing. the trunk Now, if this were a spreadsheet or a ledger, I would be all over it, but... *''chuckles *'Stuart': I'll tell you what, Ricky. Why don't you just stay here tonight, and then we'll take your car to the shop in the morning. *'Ricky': Mr. P, that's really considerate of you. *'Stuart': Well... *'Bethany': Really? He can stay the night? *'Stuart': Yeah, in the den, on the couch. *'Bethany': Of course. *'Stuart': No fooling around. *'Bethany': Dad. *''both walk inside the house *'Jake': What a gas pipe. *'Tom': I know. Why can't they see that? *'Jake': Well, dude, parents are wired differently. Their brains are old l, mushy, fried from bad '80s music. That's why it's up to you, Thomas. You gotta defend your family honor, like a man. the suitcase I call it the Punisher. *'Tom': Your dad bought you this? *'Jake': Perks of divorce. Never underestimate the power of a grown man's guilt. If we even mention Mom, Nate drives us straight to the mall. then giving the gun to Tom She's all yours. Don't be a wuss all your life. *'Tom': Uh, I don't know, man. *'Jake': a bottle Take a look at that guy. Do you really want Ricky as your brother-in-law? *'Ricky': Waah, waah, waah. *''Tom: at Bethany and Ricky, walking by the pool, then doing a cartwheel Heck, no. *'Jake': Then let's go prune the family tree. *''to Bethany and Ricky, sitting at the pool, putting sunscreen on *'Bethany': I had so much fun last night, Ricky. *'Ricky': Oh, yeah? Well, you know, that's just the beginning. chuckling Man the sun off the water and... up ...this lightweight cotton is so... the shirt off ...constricting. *'Bethany': I hate cotton. *'Ricky': sitting down Mind helping me with the lotion, babe? *'Tom': at Ricky I'm thinking shooting my sister's boyfriend isn't the best idea. *'Jake': This isn't about idead. This is about action. Don't think. Do. *'Tom': I can't believe I'm even listening to you. You're dressed like a shrub. *''continues rubbing on Ricky *'Ricky': Just a little on my chest. *'Jake': Target is on the move. Take him out before he reaches the second base. *'Tom': Nah. I don't think that... *''shoots the paintballs at Ricky, then Bethany screams, then he continues shooting at Ricky, then shooting at the swim trunks, the beach ball, rolling, then yelling *'Tom': Why did you do that? *'Jake': Shut up. You'll compromise our position. *''walks to Jake and Tom, being angry, then Ricky continues yelling, then laying down on the chair, then the beach ball continues rolling *'Tom': Oh, my God. She saw us. What do we do? What do we do? *'Jake': Camo mode. Hunker down and blend. *'Tom': back I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. *'Bethany': Tom, being angry You shot my boyfriend. "Sorry" doesn't even touch that. When, Tom? When are you gonna grow up and stop being a total embarrassment? the gun away *'Jake': And that's why we use camo. *'Tom': Shut up, Jake. *''thunder rumbles, then Ricky puts a bag of peas on Ricky's penis *'Bethany': Are you gonna be okay? *'Stuart': I don't know what you're thinking. I really don't. *'Ricky': Yeah, I'm gonna be all right. *'Jake': A paintball gun. Don't you know that the gateway gun? *'Ricky': This was a good idea though, Miss Smarty-Pants. *'Bethany': That's a gateway gun. *'Tom': How about what's next? B.B.? Pellet? *'Ricky': Stun? What am I gonna do? What do you think I should do? I don't know what to do. *'Bethany': Can't you keep him in his room for the rest of the week? *'Tom': But it wasn't even me. *'Stuart': Okay. Okay, you boys are just lucky that Ricky wasn't badly hurt. *'Ricky': It's okay, Mr. P. I was a little kid once too. *'Stuart': Oh, that's nice, Ricky. Thank you. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. But, no, I'm not okay with this. Look, we're up here to fish, not to hunt your sister's boyfriend, all right? You could have put his eye out out. Would that have been funny? *'Ricky': I don't think so. *'Stuart': All right, let's start over with a clean slate. Tomorrow, we fish. 7:00 a.m. sharp. *'Tom': 7:00? You're kidding. *'Jake': Pass. Nate? *'Nate': Yeah, Stu. Don't you think that's a little early? How about this? 10:00 a.m., on the boat, no questions asked. *'Stuart': Way to crack the whip, Nate. Way to crack the whip. *''hear thunderclap, then the objects crash, then changing the channel to static *'Nana': Oh, Stu. Stu. Natey, the TV's gone haywire. Stu, the TV's gone haywire! *'Stuart': Mom. Mom, stop it. It's probably the dish. Right after the storm, I'll climb up on the roof and fix it. Tom's head *'Ricky': Hey, wait a second, Mr. P. Let me fix the dish, man. That's the least I can do for your hospitality. *'Bethany': No, Ricky. You're hurt. *'Ricky': Oh, no. It was just a graze. *'Nana': Oh, no, honey. He's fine. Go ahead, Richard. Show some hustle. *'Ricky': by Jake and Tom Yes, indeedy. But I will be needing to get a helping hand. So what do you say, brother? Give us a chance to bury the old hatchet. Tom *'Bethany': Make things right with Ricky, or don't come off that roof. Tom, then laying down *'Ricky': up the rope, then letting go, by putting down the ladder Uh, ladies first. *''both go in the attic *'Tom': Whoa. *'Ricky': Whoa. Total creepshow. up All right. Here we go. *'Tom': Listen, about that paintball thing... *'Ricky': Oh, hey. Don't even worry about it. *''to get Ricky's hand *'Ricky': Firecracker! Too slow. laughing You know what? Thanks to your little, uh, sharpshooting stunt, I racked up pity points with your parents, and big sis is just itching to be my private nurse. So thanks a ton, ace. That was a textbook wingman move. Come on. Quit stalling. Get your butt up there and make me Nana's hero. *'Tom': But you told my dad you'd fixed it. *'Ricky': Aw, well, I told your dad a lot of things. Like my car broke down, my parents own a lake house, I'm 18. out the window *'Tom': You-You're not a senior? *'Ricky': Not in high school. the window Now go. *''scoffs *'Ricky': Tom Go. Tom out There you go. closing the window *'Tom': at the wind, looking at the broken dish, then getting up, then spinning the fish vane, wobbling, then walking down, touching a broken dish, grabbing a broken dish, then the pot breaks, then putting the broken round one, being blown away Hello? looking around Hello? *'Jake': Tom, laughing Dude, you make it too easy. *'Tom': It's not funny. *'Jake': What the heck happened to the dish? I can't do a week here without TV. *'Tom': I can't do a week here, period. *''appears *'Sparks': Whoa. Hello, hu-mans. *'Jake': Please tell me you see that too. *'Tom': Not sure I want to. But, yeah. *'Sparks': We come from upstairs! *'Skip': by Sparks Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa. I handle human contact. *'Sparks': Yes, sir. Noted. It's understood. *'Skip': Hello, humans. looking at a book No need to notification army. We come in pieces. *'Sparks': In peace. *'Skip': What? *'Sparks': Say it with me. "Peace." *'Skip': What are you talking about? *'Sparks': Read the book. Peace. *''appears *'Skip': the book down Forget the book! Attack the humans! Attack! *'Razor': With pleasure. *'Tazer': Humans, submit. gun aims at Tom and Jake *'Ricky': Hey, what is taking you girls so long? *'Tom': No, don't. No. No. *''gun shoots at Ricky, falling to the ground *'Tom': Ricky! *''walks by Ricky, chuckling *'Tom': What's happening to him? *'Skip': Now the fun begins. a remote control with Ricky's moves Testing. Testing. Testing. *'Ricky': Testing. Testing. Testing. *'Skip': Testing. *''laughs, then Ricky gets up *'Ricky': Humanoid subjects, we are the Zirkonian species. *'Skip': And we hereby claim your luscious planet... *'Ricky': ...as our own. *'Tom': Wha... Wha... *'Ricky': You have the choice of eternal enslavement or... Tom and Jake, flying ...instantaneous death. *'Tom': Run? *'Jake': I'm good with run. *''both grunt, running away *'Ricky': You have chosen instantaneous death. *'Skip': The human grubs are escaping. *'Tom': It's locked. *'Tazer': Not from me. at the window *''both run away *'Tom': We're trapped. *'Jake': Duck! *''runs by breaking wood, then falling down, then Sparks falls down *'Skip': Unbelievable. *''gets up, then Jake plays Boxing from Wii Sports *'Skip': Razor, go! *'Razor': Yes, sir. on the pole, then landing on the wood, then attacking, then Jake runs by the window *'Hannah': Hey, can I play too? *'Jake': Oh, Hannah, thank God. Open. Hurry. *''continues attacking Tom *'Jake': Hurry. *'Hannah': up, screaming, looking at a mantis Creepy-crawly! *'Jake': Hannah No, no, no, no. Come back. Come back! *''mantis continues locking *'Skip': Take them down! *'Tom': Look out! Hey, frog-face! the wood at Sparks and Skip *'Art': What's with all the noise? *'Tom': Open the window! *'Art': Open it. *'Art': You open it. *'Art': No, you open it. *'Skip': Hurry! Get them! *'Jake': Help! Someone, open it! *'Tom': Come on. Right there. *'Skip': Charge! *'Tom': Hurry up! *''unlocks the window *'Tom': Move, twin! *''go back inside *'Tom': Everybody, downstairs now! *'Art': Why? *'Tom': Just move! *''aliens break the window, then they go inside with Skip, Razor, Tazer, and Sparks *'Hannah': Creepy-crawlies. *'Tazer': Creppy. *'Tom': Go, go, go, go, go! *'Skip': Get down! Down! *''gun fires at Tom and Jake, rolling down the stairs *'Hannah': Pull! Pull! Pull! *'Lee': I am! Hurry! *''both pull a rope, leaving the aliens in the attic, then flying down *'Skip': Stupid remote control. *'Sparks': Glorious commander, be careful. *'Skip': What's wrong with it? Fix it. *'Sparks': Be careful! *'Skip': Fix it! *'Tom': Jake You a zombie? *'Jake': No. You? *'Tom': No. *'Jake': Prove it. *'Tom': What do you mean? *'Jake': I mean prove it! *'Tom': You-You wet the bed until you were 10. A zombie wouldn't know that. *''door opens *'Lee': Here they come! *'Tom': Look out! *'Jake': Ugly humans, submit. *'Tom': Get the rope. *'Jake': to close the door Tie it off! *'Tom': I'm trying. Push harder. *''scratches Lee *'Art': Oh, my God! Oh, my God! *''screams *'Art': She scratched me with her claws! *'Jake': Sorry, sucker. the door, then cutting the alien's finger nails *'Art': Whoa. He cut off her nails. *'Tom': tying around We gotta call 911. *''all walk downstairs, then going to the bedroom, opening the phone, then grabbing the phone, then grabbing the the phone by the backpack *'Jake': I can't get a signal. *'Lee': Neither can I. *'Art': Mine's dead too. *'Jake': Those midget Martians must be jamming us. *'Lee': Never a good sign. *'Hannah': a phone It's working! to press everything There's no buttons. What is this thing? *'Tom': It's a rotary phone. You spin it. the dial, then dialing, then stops *'Skip': What happened here? Was "get them" not clear enough? *'Tazer': Someone was obviously distracted. *'Razor': I was following the plan. You were playing with your little toy. *'Tazer': This is a deadly weapon! *'Razor': No. *'Tazer': It is. *'Razor': These are deadly weapons. *'Skip': Razor and Tazer Listen on yourselves. This is why we lost success on our mission previous. *'Tazer': Not looking to blame throw, but that one was Razor's fault. *'Razor': What? You were the one... *'Skip': If we lose success this time, I lose my command. Now, you're going to learn to work together, or we will together end up shoveling manure back in Sector 7. *'Tazer': We won't let you down, sir. Let's go enslave some humans! *'Sparks': Uh, actually, uh, about that, I'm sure enslaving is plenty of fun. But why the hu-mans? *'Razor': What? *'Sparks': They don't seem that bad. *'Tazer': Aw. Rookie. *'Skip': Oh, "they don't seem that bad." Funny. That's what our engineer previous said. *'Sparks': Engineer previous? *'Skip': Sparks Right before the creature that was "not that bad" ate him! *'groans *'Skip': The humans are vicious. Peace is not an option. *to Sheriff Doug Armstrong, walking in *'Sheriff Doug Armstrong': calling Sheriff here. *'Tom': Uh, th-there's an alien invasion at our rental house. Knee-high beings. Very violent. *'Sheriff Doug Armstrong': Knee-high. What? Like a... Like a hobbit? *'Tom': No. Real. Look, I know this sounds crazy, but you gotta understand... *'Sheriff Doug Armstrong': Okay, yeah, listen, son. You do know making a fradulent complaint is a federal offense. It's punishable... *''line clicks *'Tom': Hello? *'Razor': Hmm. *'Tazer': Decent technique, for a female. *'Razor': her shoulder on Tazer How's that technique? *'Tom': Hello? *''Doug Armstrong takes the phone away *'Tom': the phone back in We gotta tell our parents. *''hear Ricky thudding, then thumping, then Jake walks down, then opening the curtains, then screaming, then opening the doors, looking at Ricky being tangled up *'Tom': Think he's still an alien zombie? *''takes the wand to Jake, then touching Ricky *'Ricky': You are useless. Why aren't the mind-control plugs working? You're the engineer. Figure it out. Hurry up. Hurry up. *'Skip': Hurry up. Hurry up. Sparks Fix it! Fix it. Fix it now, you idiot. *'Jake': He's not talking to us, right? *'Tom': I think he's picking up their conversation. They had, like, a Bluetooth. *'Skip': What do you mean their hormone levels are too unstable? *'Ricky': Are you telling me the plugs only work on mature subjects? Why did we not plan for this? You have failed me, you incompetent piece of... *'Skip': Deck. *'Ricky': Translation not available. *'Skip': These humans will pay! the remote control, vibrating, then falling down *'Tom': Did you hear that? *'Lee': Yeah. Sounds like Ricky landed on his face. *'Tom': No. Those things they shot at us, they-re-they're mind-control plugs. They won't work on kids. It's like you said. We're wired differently. *'Jake': Wha-What about Ricky? It tagged him and he's Bethany's age. *'Tom': No. He lied. The tool's in college. *'Art': So if their plugs don't work on kids... *'Lee': That means we're safe. *'Jake': It means we can fight 'em. *'Tom': It means they'll go after our parents. They're walking targets. *'Art': We got to tell 'em. Now. *'Tom': Whoa, whoa. Wait. Think. If our parents even go near those things, they'll get zapped and end up zombies. Our own parents will attack us. *'Jake': We need the police and their hard-core firepower. *'Tom': Oh, armed zombies. Even better. *'Art': We're done. Game over. *'Jake': Game over for the grown-ups. But we can still fight back. *'Lee': So you expect us to stop an alien invasion on our own? *'Tom': He's right. We're the only option. But we can't tell anyone. No police, no parents, no exceptions. Got it? *'Art': Hannah? *''all look at a door, opening *'Hannah': They're up in the attic right now, little aliens. They're loud and scary and really mean. *'Stuart': Han, there's no such things as aliens. *'Hannah': Yes, there is. I saw them. They smashed the skylight and tried to break the attic stairs. *'Bethany': Well, let's hope not for your sake. We put a huge deposit on this place. So you boys better keep it in one piece. *'Stuart': You heard her, Tom. No more trouble. *'Tom': It was just a video game. We shouldn't have let her watch. It's rated "T" for "Teen." *'Art': It's teen violence. *'Hannah': Tommy, I'm scared. I don't like the mean aliens. *'Tom': Don't worry, Han. Just pretend it's a big game, a game that we're gonna win. Just think about how little they are. *'Art': Little and deadly. What do we do now? *'Jake': We figure out their weakness. *'Art': They flew here from another galaxy. You really think they have a weakness? *'Jake': First rule of the warrior code... All enemies have a weakness. *'Skip': Sparks, why isn't my locator map up and running? *'Sparks': I told you. I need parts to repair it. You're not helping... an electric, then flying *''channel channel changes to a man fighting with a sword with the woman *'Tazer': Aha! Even on Earth, the male is dominant. *''continue watching the man fighting a sword with the woman *'Tazer': Aha. Oh. Wait. *'Razor': Ah. But the frmale always wins. *'Tazer': What the... By the rings of Zirkon. *'Razor': Huh? That makes no sense. *'Tazer': They were fighting. Now their lips are hugging? I would never. *'Razor': Never. *'Tazer': Ne-ver. *'Skip': Oh, I'm sorry. Can I get you anything? A cold drink? Some snacks? Hmm? Or woukd you rather help me invade a planet? Razor and Tazer, knocking their heads *'Jake': a ladder All right, recon's my specialty. I'm going up. climbing *'Tom': at Jake climb up I'm coming with you. *'Hannah': Tom, be careful. *''both look at the window, with the rat walking away *'Tazer': a rat Enemy, apprehended. to eat a rat *'Skip': throat I'll interrogate. *''a rat at Skip's mouth, swallowing, belching, then they both groan *'Razor': Ah. Disgusting. *'Skip': What? Seriously, what? *'Sparks': Locator activated, sir. planets *'Skip': Excellent. Target the objective. Zoom in. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom, zoom, zoom. *'Sparks': You don't have to keep saying "zoom." *'Skip': Zoom. Zoom. And, rotate. *'Tom': I think they're after something in the house. *'Jake': Let me get a better look. *'Tom': Stop. slips down, holding on the ladder *'Skip': Rotate. Ah. The basement. *'Jake': Tom, help me! *ladder breaks, then they both fall down *'Lee': That must have hurt. *''both get up *'Tom': Basement. We gotta get to the basement. *'Bethany': Ricky? Ricky! Oh. Hey, guys, wait. Have you guys seen Ricky? *'Jake': Uh, pretty sure he's still hanging around here somewhere. *'Tom': Actually, Beth, uh... *'Bethany': He didn't leave, did he? *'Tom': No, no. He, um... He told us he was heading back to the lake, uh, to, bronze up his rock-hard abs. Yeah, he wants to meet him there. *'Bethany': Wait. What did you guys talk about on the roof? Did he say anything about me? *'Tom': No. No, no. He... He talked about his car. And, um... But pre-pretty much just his car. Um, but you should hit the lake so he doesn't think you're blowing him off. *'Lee': Yeah, the lake. *'Art': Over there. It's probably good there. *''all walk in, then taking a dirty sock *'Tom': I'm telling you, their map led down here. *'Jake': You positive? *'Hannah': Shh. You hear that? Rice Krispies. *''hear static, then taking a handheld out of her pocket, opening it it *'Lee': What is that? *'Tom': a handheld, looking at a static It's them. looking at a static Something down here's setting it off. *''looks around, then Hannah looks around, then holding an opener, then sliding on the wall *'Jake': a rake Well, whatever it is, we can't let 'em get to it. Everyone, gear up. We move on my command. *'Tom': Now, just hold on. If we run up there with a bunch of random junk, we're gonna get creamed. We can make something better. *'Jake': We're in the middle of a battle, and you wanna play science fair? No way. We're going back in now, before our parents end up as alien zombies. *'Tom': You're not thinking. We need a plan. I already have a great idea for a weapon. *'Jake': Really? chuckling Let's go. a rake to Lee Now. *''all go inside, then grabbing an umbrella *'Tom': Hannah, hand me that tape. *'Jake': What's up, Nate? *'Lee': Hey, guys! *'Art': Hey, Nana! *'Nana': Who wants a treat? laughing Whoo. That's a lot of tools to try to fix the TV. *''all go upstairs, then they close the doors, then looking around, then hearing a thump *'Jake': They're busting through. The warrior code says strike first. Art, cover me. *'Lee': With the rake? *'Jake': a gun, then cocking, opening a door, then shooting paintballs at the ladder How do you feel now? Suckers! Mission accomplished. *''grenade rolls down the floor, then walking back, then they all sit down *'Jake': Oh, God. *'Art': Oh... *'Lee': Crud. *''antenna raises up *'Jake': laughing It's a dud. *''antennas all raise up *'Lee': What the... Whoa! *'Jake': Whoa! What's happening? *'Lee': Why are we floating? They turned off the gravity, like in Halo. *'Art': This isn't Xbox, Lee. It's real. Like Wii. *'Lee': Now what are we gonna do? *'Art': I don't know. *'Tom': Stay behind me. up the stairs *'Jake': No! Don't! Don't! *'Lee': There's no gravity. *''and Hannah float up *'Razor': Hello, hu-mans. laughing *'Tazer': Enjoying the ride? *''both get out and float, then they land *'Art': They have gravity boots. *'Lee': Why don't we have gravity boots? *'Razor': "They have gravity boots." *'Jake': The door! Stop 'em! Use your weapon, Tom! *'Tazer': Bring the meat sack. *'Jake': Today! *''fires the potato to the door *'Jake': A potato gun? That's your big idea? *'Tazer': My plan is working. *'Razor': My plan. You mean my plan. *''looks at a fire extinguisher *'Hannah': Hurry, Tommy! *''both walk out, then Tom uses a fire extinguisher, then flying at the people by Razor and Tazer, then closing the door, then shooting the smoke at Razor and Tazer, coughing, then Razor yelps *'Tazer': Razor You okay? *'Razor': I'm fine. The door. *'Tazer': On it. *'Tom': Jake, get the grenade! *''nods, then Tazer floats up *'Tom': Hurry! *''grabs the grenade *'Tom': Quick! Toss it here! *''throws the grenade to Tom, then breaking the grenade by swinging the fire extinguisher *'Tazer': What? *''all fall down to the ground, then they stop floating *'Hannah': then the Sock Monkey lands, hugging Sock Monkey. *'Tazer': Oh! Ha! *'Razor': You little... *'Art': Quick! Get 'em! *'Lee': Go! *'Art': Shoot him! Shoot him! *'Lee': Go, go, go! *'Art': Shoot him! *'Tazer': paintball shoots on Tazer Ouch! Ow! Ouch again! Buttocks on fire! *''door closes, then they all pant *'Jake': Whoa. That's the thing they used to control Ricky. *'Lee': a remote control Whoa! a button, the Ricky rotates his head *'Art': Oh, cool. Let me see it. Oh, nice action on the toggles. *''continues rolling around *'Art': Wait. What are these? *'Lee': Give it back. Let me see. *''spins around *'Lee': I picked it up first. *''back cracks *'Lee': Give it back. *''falls to the ground *'Art': It's mine. *'Jake': Hey, hey, hey, guys. This is not a toy. It's real. *''hear Ricky, then looking out the window, then flying on a swing *'Jake': Ricky? *'Tom': Yep. *'Jake': Get him before somebody finds him. I'll stand alien watch. *''continues running down, then hitting a car, flying, then sliding on the car *'Tom': Lee I'm sure that'll buff right out. *'Art': Wonder where he went. *'Lee': Oh, I'll find him. *''remote control beeps, then whirrs, doing Ricky's moves, getting up *'Tom': Whoa. chuckling *'Lee': Cool. So these move him. And these operate the arms. the remote control to slap the face *'Art': Talk about the ultimate Game Boy. *''continues slapping the face, then they continue slapping the face, laughing *'Tom': What does that big button do? *''presses a button *'Ricky': Whoa! What the... at a dent from a car My car! *'Lee': That would be the on-and-off button. *'Tom': Press it again. *'Ricky': Car! Who did this to my car? *'Tom': You did, you giant idiot. *''presses a button *'Bethany': Ricky! by Ricky, pushing Tom Where have you been? *''presses a button *'Ricky': Oh, shut up, you little b... Bethany. *'Bethany': What? Ricky *'Ricky': Why are you hitting me? *'Bethany': Why are being such a jerk? *'Ricky': Huh? *'Tom': Revenge is so sweet. *'Bethany': I just spent the last hour walking around the lake. Where were you? *'Ricky': Uh... I... *'Bethany': That's what I thought. away *'Ricky': No. I-I don't know. *'Lee': Want me to bring him back? *'Ricky': Babe, please don't be mad at me. *'Bethany': Did your brain fall out of your head? *'Tom': Let him suffer. *''both look at the mess, until Tom, Lee and Art come upstairs *'Jake': Where's Ricky? Taken prisoner by the aliens? *'Tom': No. Worse. My sister. Any action up there? *'Jake': It's been quiet. Too quiet. *'Skip': No talking in here. Got it? *'Jake': What are they doing in the vents? *'Tom': Their map. That's how they'll get to the basement. *'Jake': What do we do? *''turns the fire on *'Jake': I hope this works, Einstein. *'Tazer': I didn't get to thank you for pulling me to safety back there, because I didn't need you to. *'Razor': Uh, that doesn't make any sense. *'Tazer': I don't like you. *'Skip': Shh. *'Razor': Good to know. *'Skip': Stop talking. *'Razor': Okay. *''all look at the vent *'Skip': Hmm? Hmm. Sweating? a vent Hot! Ah! Hot! Hot! Hotter! Run! *''all run away from the fire *'Skip': Fall back! Fall back! Ouch! Ouch! *''all yell *'Lee': Sounds like they're mad. *''both look up *'Jake': Nice job. I think it's working. *'Stuart': Kids, get down here right now! *''all go downstairs *'Stuart': Who turned on the heat? *'Tom': I did. Um, we need that on. *'Stuart': Are you crazy? It's July. *'Jake': Yeah, but it's... it's freezinv in here. *'Lee': Ooh, yeah. Ooh, Arctic. *'Tom': Yeah. I think Hannah's coming down with something. *''coughs *'Stuart': What's going on? *'Hannah': We're fighting aliens. I'm pretending it's pretend. I mean, it is pretend. *'Stuart': Okay, but I'm not pretending, so don't touch the thermostat. Tom, I'm not playing around. *'Tom': Neither am I. *'Stuart': Tom, I'm not kidding. You wanna spend the rest of the week in your room? *'Tom': Why can't you at least trust there's a reason I'm doing this? *'Stuart': A reason why you're blasting the furnace on summer vacation? *'Tom': Yes. *'Stuart': A reason why you shot your sister's boyfriend? *'Tom': Yes. *'Stuart': A reason why you're talking back, giving me attitude? Failing your classes? *'Tom': So that's what this is about? I failed them on purpose. Yeah, I thanked my grades, okay? I'm tired of getting picked on because I'm a brainiac. *'Stuart': I was a brainiac. It worked for me. *'Tom': I don't wanna be like you. I wanna be cool. *'Stuart': Don't touch the thermostat. *''all go upstairs *'Jake': Is that true? You really fail on purpose? *'Tom': Nobody likes a mathlete. Category:Transcripts Category:Live-Action Transcripts